I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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