I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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