Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize