Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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