mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
