Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
