tonight lets celebrate not being married
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We need to get me chipped asap
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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