So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
