Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
