do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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