some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
