At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
