Someone shit on the floor
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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