i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
