i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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