Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
