If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i think we sleep fucked last night...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
