I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
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