whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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