i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
