I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
