someone owes me an orgasm
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
