he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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