Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
