I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
