hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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