Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
