SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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