The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
