OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
