My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
