I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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