shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
