i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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