mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
