Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
