My friends, they love my intelligence
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
