do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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