if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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