I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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