You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
