uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
