The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
