im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize