good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
