His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
