Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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