sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
