just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
