She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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