I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
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I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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