conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
