I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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