My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
