just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Need sex. Gaining weight.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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