i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize