Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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