I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
