I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize