we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize