I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
