I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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