you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
