I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
